SitNews - Stories in the News - Ketchikan, Alaska


The U.S. Census 2020 is Coming Up...

and I’m Coming Out as a Self-Identifying Squirrel or an Apache Attack Helicopter... Don't Judge Me!”



April 14, 2017
Friday AM

(SitNews) - From the Alaska Department of Labor & Workforce Development:The U.S. Census Bureau has invited 80,000 U.S. households to participate in a practice census test this year. Participants can take the 2017 Census Test online, over the phone, or via mail. The test has two primary goals:

1. Help the Census Bureau assess response methods before the 2020 Census and optimize online delivery for smartphones, tablets, and Web browsers.

2. Test potential tribal enrollment questions.

jpg Census Sample


How Do the Sample Questions Only Have TWO Choices for Gender? That’s Sexist!

I don't know about you but the latest Social Justice Crusade has become so extreme that I'm surprised that the Census Bureau hasn't embraced "The Current Year" and adopted the 71 Gender options that Facebook has:

jpg Gender

Frankly, it's very sexist that there are only two options to pick from in the upcoming Census. I hope that they change and expand the options for 2020 to at least add a "Squirrel" selection. After all, we live in "the current year" and we must embrace individualism! Now, without further ado there is something  that I have been holding back from my readers for a long time, so here goes:

Breaking News:

It's about time I admit something...I have liked Squirrels all my life and I didn't know why, until now...I identity as a Squirrel.

It's quite simple really, squirrels like nuts. I have nuts. Squirrels are forward thinking, I think on occasion. Squirrels live in trees, my house is made out of trees.

Some may be tempted to call me brave, courageous, true to myself, and even a Hero for stepping forward with my condition and you would be right. It's a difficult, 1st world nation, that I live in that actively discriminates against people like me. Just the other day, I went to one of the three coffee shops on my block and they had Hazelnut, Almond, Macadamia Nut, Peanut Butter, and Chestnut syrup but they did NOT have Acorn syrup, which everyone knows squirrels like the most! The added icing on the cake coffee was that they refused to order Acorn syrup in case I decided to visit the establishment in the future!

This country used to have a facade of community brotherhood and individual respect but now society actively shuns individuals like me who helplessly live with this condition.

I didn't choose to be born a White Male Homo Sapiens Sapiens. It was thrust upon me—postcoitous—by my Father. But I refuse to be defined by my genetic DNA! No, I am a Glaucomys Sabrinus Griseifronsa.... A Squirrel.

Please share my story so others with a similar condition will be #‎brave and step out. #‎shareyourstory

The Above isn't Satire...This is Satire:

Transgender Male Wins Female Weightlifting Competition (

Actually, hold up. I don't know what satire is anymore because the real world is much more absurd than any fiction you may imagine. Then again, perhaps your imagination is just better than mine?

The point is that Western Society has come to a point that biology no longer matters. Facts don't matter. Science doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is feelings and emotion. Therefore, I'm not telling you what to do, but if the Census comes knocking on your door, just remember, you can be "Who Ever You Want to Be!" There is nothing that the government can do to take your "identity" away from you.

As for me, I still haven't made a decision but I feel like i'm a trans-fluid-squirrel-helisexual. I guess I will just make my Census “gender” decision based on how I feel that day:

jpg helisexual




Arthur Martin ©2017

Arthur was originally born in the Soviet Union and immigrated legally to Alaska when he was young. He graduated from Craig, Alaska. Holds a Bachelor's Degree from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and worked for the Alaska State Legislature for three sessions.

Arthur now lives on Prince of Wales Island. He can be contacted at - This column has been edited by the author.

Arthur Martin is the Editor of the P.O.W. AK Report


Representations of fact and opinions in comments posted are solely those of the individual posters and do not represent the opinions of Sitnews.


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Stories In The News
Ketchikan, Alaska

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