November 26, 2004
Friday

Convincing elderly loved ones to move from the comfort of the home they've known for many years into an assisted living situation can be one of the toughest hurdles for families to accomplish. The best way is to start the conversation sooner than later, while your loved ones are still in good health. Getting them used to the idea beforehand will make it easier when the time comes. But what if you haven't discussed it nor made any plans for the transition? If it is time for your loved ones to alter their living situation?here are some things you should do.

Jacqueline Marcell

Think Safety First

Keep in mind that your loved ones' safety is the most important thing. If you know that they cannot remain in their own home safely, don't let your emotions override what you know needs to be done. Don't wait for a broken hip, a car accident, medicine overdose, or a crisis call before you step in. Recognize that when you were a child, your parents would have done everything possible to keep you safe. Now, as hard as it is, you have to be the "parent", and you have to make the best decisions for their safety.

Consider a Multi-Level Facility

Be sure to consider the benefits of a multi-level facility, which allows for additional services as your loved ones' health declines. This prevents the turmoil of having to move them to a new location as more services are needed. Many seniors start out with their own private apartment and then progress through stages of assisted living and eventually to skilled nursing and dementia care, all within the same facility. They may be able to bathe, dress, and take their own medications now, but as they need help, it's a blessing to know that services can be added. Many times the friends they have made along the way progress along with them, providing the comfort of familiar faces.

Get References

The best way to check out a facility is to talk to numerous families who already have their loved one living there. Drop in on the weekends when families are visiting and ask if they are happy with the accommodations, food, service, activities, cleanliness, reliability, personnel, etc. If they had it to do again, would they move their loved one there? What have they learned from the experience? What do they wish they had known when they were beginning the process? Be sure to eat a meal there yourself. Also, ask the administrators if there are any liens or lawsuits filed against the facility. Ask to review their licensing or certification reports. If they will not put in writing that there are no legal problems--keep looking! Also, be sure to check with your local Area Agency on Aging and the long-term care ombudsman who monitors the area.

Ask About Activities

Adult children are often filled with guilt for moving their parents out of their own home, that is, until they see them flourishing in a new environment and participating in activities they haven't enjoyed for years. Speak with the activity director to make sure that there are numerous activity options. Does the facility offer field trips, games, crafts, singing, dancing, gardening, cooking, bingo, exercising, movies, interaction with animals, etc.? Be sure to monitor the director regularly to make sure that the activities are being offered.

Create a Relationship

Once you have picked out the right place, ask the administrators for their help in convincing your loved one to move. The staff is very familiar with this problem and deal with it daily. Ask a social worker to call your parents and develop a relationship over the phone. He or she may be able to drop by (while you just happen to be there) to talk to your parents and invite them for a get-together. A few days later, take your parents out to lunch, then casually drive by the facility to say hello to that social worker who was so kind to drop by to visit them. Seeing a familiar face is usually very helpful. Remember, any kind of change can be very scary for an elder. Take things slow, planting the idea calm and steady, making their safety your goal.

Create a Need

Another idea is to have the social worker ask for your loved one's "help" with the other seniors at the center. Or tell them that they need help with something at the center. Could they, for example, go over to help out with the bingo, crafts, or singing classes? Perhaps they can help prepare lunch for the elders there. Tell your loved ones that they are "needed" there to help and entertain the seniors. Giving them a "job" to do will help them become comfortable with being there. They will make friends, which can then ease the transition to moving there. If you still get resistance, ask their doctor to encourage them to move--for their safety.

Reach for Support

Realize that since the beginning of time, everyone who has ever been lucky enough to have their parents reach old age has experienced the pain of watching their once-competent parents decline. We all know it is a part of life, but even with all that's been written, there are no words that can prepare us for the sorrow. Reach out for help from family and friends and look into a support group right away--don't even think you can do it alone!

Note: Jacqueline Marcell is an author, publisher, radio host, national speaker, and advocate for eldercare awareness and reform. She is the devoted daughter in her best-selling book, "Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please! How to Survive Caring For Aging Parents", a Book-of-the-Month Club selection, being considered for a feature film. Jacqueline is also a recent breast cancer survivor, advocating for women to get mammograms and for caregivers to closely monitor their own health. She also hosts an Internet radio program "Coping with Caregiving" heard worldwide on www.wsradio.com/copingwithcaregiving.

For more information see www.ElderRage.com.

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