My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat
of the Iraqi regime has been completed. Since Congress does
not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in
Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a compete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists.
One list contains the names of countries which have stood by
our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some
of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone
not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that
list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both
lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that
effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2
ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during
the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money
into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders
grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with
Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the
vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note,
a word to terroist organizations. Screw with us and we will
hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the
face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country
to terrorize? Try France or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations
with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help,
comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes
I have instructed the Mayor
of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles
located in Manhattan with more that two unpaid parking tickets
to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded, and
crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this.
You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those
tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and
limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the
world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors.
Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot
more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us
off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2.
President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an
attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tanks and infanty
divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put them?
Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, The United
States is abrogating the NAFTA Treaty starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling
for oil in Alaska--which will take care of this country's oil
needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who
opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country
and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus
on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us
of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin'."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around
the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about
everyone of the planet. It is time to eliminiate hunger in America.
It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time
to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on
List 1, a final thought. Thanks, guys. We owe you and we won't
To the nations on List 2, a
final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you
and good night.
If you can read this, thank
a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.